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Sesshomaru-Inuyasha BIA: Chapter 38

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章 38-- 私的 対決
Shō  38-- Shiteki Taiketsu
Chapter 38--Private Confrontation


Sesshomaru discarded the thought of going to the Suzaku castle as memories of Akatsuki's love of early morning swims and her swimming lessons to Rin flooded his mind. It was the primary reason he had accepted the area of land Inuyasha had located--because of the nearby lake. Despite the fact that he had not seen the area until after Akatsuki had departed, some part of him had still hoped, just as he hoped now. He had never lived his life based on hope of any sort, but until he could secure Akatsuki in his life, he had to; he had no other options.

But he could not help but wonder if he was wrong? What if he had misunderstood these sensations he believed she filled him with? What if what he felt, was not the love she required? What if what he felt, was simply his needs and desires once more? He had never previously concerned himself with the emotions of others, but what if she did not want him? What if she cared not what he felt? But did that matter? He wanted her. He wanted her like he had wanted no others in his life. Unless he could possess her, he knew he would remain incomplete.

So with no thought of any other destination, Sesshomaru flew directly to the location he had gone to the first time he found Akatsuki using her amulet--the waterfall.

His heart nearly sang in joy when he scented her. Continuing forward, his golden eyes searched the open plains, until he sighted her. She was seated behind a tree, wearing a kimono not unlike the ones she had worn after she had gone swimming, and he wished he had come earlier. Now, she was humming; her freedom of spirit audible through the melodic tones echoing above the leaves. Though uncertain of the possible outcome, the youkai lord approached closer, then stopped when she suddenly stopped humming, leaning back against the tree and sighed; a hopeless, desperate sigh.

"Oh, Sesshomaru ..."

He froze; her voice sounded so sad and so unbelievably heartbroken; and clearly she knew he was there; was that why she sounded so pained? Sesshomaru swallowed uncomfortably. Had his mere arrival placed such sadness in her voice? Had she sensed him? He was uncertain; he knew little of the capabilities of her sensor abilities. That was just one of the many things about her that he wanted to know more about. But he wanted to know so much more about her on all aspects. She seemed to be the opposite half of his very soul. She completed him. Her caring heart had opened his, and stretched it to a limit he would never have dreamed. The companionships he'd formed over the years had likely started his heart to care, but meeting her caused him to truly love. He could find no words to express the sensations she filled him with.

He wanted her in his life. Was she, though, still so determined to have him out of hers? Would she call to her guards? He would be unable to bear the humiliation. He wanted to tell her that he cared so deeply for her; that he truly loved her; that he would deny the fact that she had opened his heart no longer.

Akatsuki issued a soft chuckle, as if she had read his thoughts. "I am certain everyone thinks I am quite insane because I come and sit out here every day and simply talk to myself. They say it is unnatural, as if I do not know that. But it helps me to think; at least a little, anyway," she said in that sad voice.

Sesshomaru was confused as he watched her. She sounded like she was talking to him, but she made no indication of knowing his location. She stared off into the distant sky, as if expecting him to materialize there. Never once did she even turn to glance in his direction.

"The funny thing is," she went on, as a gentle breeze whipped up around her and she caught several errant strands of hair and tucked them behind her ear. "If they had any idea what I was saying to myself, they might even believe I have fallen to the depths of the Suzaku curse and my father would probably have me locked away, for the clans protection," she laughed sadly again, wrapping her arms beneath her breasts. "I miss you so much," she half announced, half whispered.

Sesshomaru's eyes widened in stunned surprise; as he was certain what he felt then, was a small flicker of hope in his heart. Despite the chilled air, he felt a fine mist develop on his forehead, neck and back. Her words sent what felt like sparks shooting through his body and he could not contain his spiraling emotions. What she had just said stopped everything. It was a simple phrase, but he could not believe what he had just heard. His heart felt as if it were going to jump right out of his ribcage. Did he imagine her saying that? Or did she indeed...

And still she went on; and he listened; wanting to hear more. "I want nothing more than to see you again, even though I know that is impossible, or at least not the way I would want to. Because I know for us now it will only be formality and cordial graces. But I do not want that."

For an instant Sesshomaru wanted to rush to her side, wrap his arms around her and reassure her by letting her know that he was there for her, and he nearly did, until he realized that she really did not know he was there. She clearly thought she was alone and was pretending to talk to him. Overwhelmed and unsure of what to do, the youkai lord hovered a little lower and listened intently; despite the sickening feeling that he knew he was blatantly invading her privacy. But he wanted to hear this; no, he needed to hear this. She was saying things to him that he never thought he would hear.

"Why must youkai live our lives based on obligation alone?" She wanted to know and it hurt him to hear her ask that, because he remembered how she had attempted to run from him to avoid that obligation. And with the distraught tone in her voice, he knew she must hate him for that, for not listening to her when she tried to tell him, for not asking her what she desired. He wanted to go to her now and tell her that he had changed, but she continued.

"I am the hidenka of the western Suzaku clan. For my clan's sake, I know I must mate soon. It is my obligation. Obligation," she repeated regretfully, and Sesshomaru could almost feel the tear slip from her eye. "But why is it that youkai do not love? Why is it that I do? Is this truly a curse, or is this simply the natural order of things?" She demanded almost angrily. "If it is a curse, then why me?" Akatsuki wanted to know, not holding back her anger or frustration. But he wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that he did love, but he could not, she would know that he had intruded upon her private thoughts. She could hate him for invading thoughts only meant for her.

"I know that I should forget you, and believe me, I have tried." She stared at her hands as she twisted them uncomfortably in her lap. "But I look around me and all I see are superficial youkai, youkai who do not know what matters. Even Ōji Akimaru, who says he loves me, knows not what matters." She laughed half-heartedly, and her voice lowered to a whispered hush as she felt her heart grow heavy with the pain of knowing she would likely never have the youkai she loved. "And now, tonight I must...," but she could not continue. The thought was too painful.

With his own heart filled with pain, Sesshomaru studied her slumped shoulders and he knew now, why he had always attributed love to a weakness. Watching her like this, so filled with anger and likely hatred toward him, brought to light all the reasons he had not wanted to love. Not because he believed he could ever hurt anyone so, but because seeing her in so much agony, tore at his own heart, and made him feel so very weak and useless. He knew that the pain and anguish she suffered had been caused by him, and him alone and he could not bear it. He would willingly suffer for her, but he did not want her to suffer because of him, but there was nothing he could do. Because of his callousness, she had been injured twice, and now, because she cared about him, he had hurt her further. He could not allow her to be so weakened because of him. He may well want her, but he did not believe he truly deserved her.

"In the foolish hopes of feeling you near me, lately I have slept for one purpose only; to visit you in my dreams; to see your face; to be held in your arms. But then I must wake and when I do, I curse myself for allowing such torture. But then, I foolishly look forward to it when I fall asleep again, and so I have slept more lately, than ever in my life, except, of course, when I was injured." She laughed, quietly and somehow utterly tragically.

"Sesshomaru..." the way she called his name, the sadness in her voice, so much pain and anguish made his heart feel like it sank to the pit of his stomach. "I am such a fool. I know it is uncustomary for a life sorceress such as I to even consider mating outside the Suzaku clan, because I know youkai do not generally love; but I am afraid no one has told my foolish heart," she remained silent for a moment, and Sesshomaru wondered what she would say. Would she curse him for not telling her that he loved her? "Because I think I have fallen in love with you. No, in fact, I know I have. I have fallen in love with the one youkai who could probably never love," she issued a heart wrenching sigh, her sadness and anger was too painful for him to bear.

"I am far more foolish than even my first generation mother. At least she had enough sense to fall in love with her mate, even if he, like you, could not love her in return. While I....I," her words died in her throat, and the youkai lord thought she would choke on them.

There was a long pause in which Sesshomaru could not even think; he hated himself for being the one to cause her such pain, he could not believe the words she had uttered, the same words he had tried so hard to ignore in his own mind. The entire world went quiet, not even the trees seemed to stir, not even a breath of air breezed by, as his own breath caught in his chest, but he was even more pained when she spoke again.

"I do not understand you, but even more, I realize I understand even less about myself. Why were you not that youkai I had heard of all my life. Why were you so kind to me? If you could not love, it would have been better had you not cared for me at all," she said with such venom, it felt as if she had fired an arrow straight into the youkai lord's heart. "Why did you care for and make me love you? Do you not know it would have been far better for you to have taken my life than to take my heart, and then to completely disregard it and simply toss it aside? To die I am certain would have been far less painful."

Sesshomaru felt like his heart, his very soul was being ripped apart; so much so that he did not wish to listen further. But why had she not told him this? He would never have let her go, had he known. Perhaps she had not because she had sensed his attempts to push aside such thoughts in his own mind. Would he ever be able to convince her that he had changed? To convince her that he truly... He could not tolerate her thinking such things about him; but he knew his previous acts had been well known. At that time, he had believed it necessary. But now...

He watched as she shifted slightly, and he wondered if perhaps this was his punishment for previously not caring. Now that he did, would he ever find solace by being able to hold her in his arms, or would she forever be outside his embrace? She held such anger toward him. Anger he was certain he deserved, but uncertain he could face. It amazed him how much he had changed since meeting her. He had thought that just being the lord of the western lands entitled him to untold privileges. But she had shown him that being the lord of the lands was not nearly as important as loving her; and he loved her so much. But now, he knew not what to do. Should he go to her? Should he let her know he had heard her thoughts? Should he let her know that he had changed and that he loved her so very much?

"But I cannot tell anyone this, except perhaps myself," Akatsuki continued, her tone quiet and forlorn. "Everyone would think I was a fool. Neither my parents nor my handmaidens would ever understand what I am experiencing. They care for me, but I do not want their pity."

Akatsuki chuckled slightly. "You know, they even asked me if I had stayed in your castle so long because you had perhaps hurt me. I wanted to tell them no; that you were not that type of youkai; that you would never..." she paused, as if reflecting on her thoughts. "But I could not because in truth, you did. You hurt me by not loving me; but perhaps it was I who hurt myself by loving you. So I simply said nothing; because what could I tell them? That it was I, who did not wish to leave? Because in the end, I did not," she confessed wistfully almost as if daring him to respond. "Although I think my mother may know, she always seems to know. I think I have even seen some small degree of pity in her eyes, though she has said nothing. But the truth is, my care at your hands was so truly wonderful; so incredibly caring; so extremely unselfish. I had never thought such acts were in your heart or your nature. You had been so attentive to me that I could not help myself." That hauntingly sad whisper drifted from her lungs, once more, though she appeared indecisive.

"Why did you have to feel indebted to me? Do you even know how painful that was for me to bear?" Her voice rose and its tone seemed to direct her internal anger directly at him, and it tortured him. "To be so near you, and yet so far away; how could you do that to me? And yet, I am such a foolish youkai that some awful little corner of my mind dares to think that you will come for me some day, even though I know that is not possible, because you will never love. I know that. I know we are ill-suited for each other, because love is beneath you, but I am a youkai who needs to be loved." She laughed as if angry at herself now.

But it was such a hollow sound it made him feel as if he too were empty. As he watched her sob softly, he reflected, on when he had initially seen her tears. He had always despised weakness. Though he had not admitted it until now, he had for some unknown reason, always looked at her as someone he should care for, not despise. Was it because she was female? No, female youkai could be more deadly than the males, and he knew that. Or was it because of the guilt he had eventually felt over her injury? Or was it because he had known she would never have been so damaged if she had not assisted him? And he had believed even in her unconscious state that her tears had somehow been caused by him. Is that why he loved her now, because even though he had not known it, from the very beginning, he had looked at her as someone he wanted to protect? He wanted to do nothing more than to take her into his arms and kiss away her tears, but to go to her now, he could not bear it if she told him to leave.

"Since I cannot stop my thoughts, I sit out here, letting the wind blow across my face, and imagine that it is your gentle touch," she sobbed.

Sesshomaru felt a horrid sensation flow though him. He had not intended to make her cry so. But he continued to hover above and behind her line of vision for a few minutes, stunned, thinking. She said she loved him; but it was his heart she was uncertain of. He could not leave it like that. He had to let her know. Through his haha-ue's friend, he had learned long ago, how to please a female, but he had never bothered to. He had held no true interest in them, simply using them to satisfy his own need. But now, he wanted nothing more than to attempt to please this youkai who shed tears because of him. He had to convince her that he had changed. Despite Rin's claims that she loved him, he had been hesitant of coming to her; but somehow just by seeing her like that, hearing his own uncertain thoughts spill from her lips had changed his view. He had to let her know that being without her was tearing him apart. He had to let her know how much he did love her. He had intruded upon and heard her innermost thoughts without her knowledge; he had to let her know that his heart belonged to her as well; that he loved her so very much.

Not wanting her to know that he had invaded her private musing, Sesshomaru waited just a while longer, until unable to stand it; he flew forward and landed in front of her.

"Ses--sho--maru," Akatsuki began with stunned surprise as she looked into the golden eyes of her unexpected visitor. "What are you doing here?" She asked quickly brushing her palm across her face to erase any signs of her tears.

He could not be here, she thought frantically. Why was he here? Had he as the lord of two lands come for the ceremony? How could he? Was it his intent to simply watch her pledge herself to another? Her thoughts rambled wildly. Did he not know how he had torn her heart apart? How could he be so cruel? How could he not care that it hurt her to see him now? Did he not know that he had ended her life as it had been? Her heart had wanted to see him; had hoped to see him; but she was not strong enough to do that; not yet. She had not thought him a malicious youkai, but to be here now, when her heart was in such tatters; why?

"I came because I wanted," he paused and rephrased; his heart still pained as he looked down at her knowing tears were only inches away from flooding her pained filled eyes once more. A pain he knew he had caused. "I needed to talk to you."

Making every attempt to stone her emotions as her heart thumped and vibrated wildly, Akatsuki studied him with a puzzled gaze that pulsed with discomfort and uncertainty. "About?" she asked, uncertain about the impending and unexpected confrontation. Uncertain if she would have the strength to let him go when he had finished completely breaking down her world and tearing her apart once more.

"You told me you could not be with me to repay a debt."

Her crystal blue eyes studied him in continued puzzlement and mistrust. "I cannot," she replied, diverting her gaze and looking down at the grass beside her, her heart breaking slowly. But did she, at one point, not say she would accept him even if all he wished was to repay a debt? Would it matter if she died because he did not love her? No, she was already dying without him in her life.

"Can you be with me for any reason?" He wanted her to tell him. He wanted to hear those words come from her lips while he watched her say them.

"I cannot be with anyone for any reason, save one."

"And that is?"

Seeking solace from her tormented heart, Akatsuki rose and looked out across the water. "Sesshomaru I am a life sorceress," the words choked from her lips. "I have felt the pain of many youkai in my life," she said, her voice filled with a sadness that touched his already troubled heart. "Sometimes I do not dare allow myself to touch another for fear I might slip and touch their souls."

"But you can still sense their heart?"

"Only when I choose too."

"Can you sense mine?"

Turning to peer into his golden gaze, Akatsuki was uncertain of his meaning, but, "My powers will no longer work on you," she said, assuming he must have forgotten, then she turned away.

"I did not specifically mean what you sensed as a life sorceress."

Akatsuki glanced at him across her shoulder once more, before quickly turning away. "What do you want from me Sesshomaru?"

"I want you to tell me what you feel for me."

What she felt for him? How ironic, she thought as she stifled a laugh in her lungs. "I do not want to be obligated by a debt, Sesshomaru. Youkai custom or not, I cannot and will not be controlled by one." Why had she said that? Why had she lied to him? No, she was lying to herself. "I need someone who understands and cares about me. Yes, I do wish it could be you; but not merely as an obligation, but because we loved each other. Why did you make me love you when you could not return my love?" she demanded,  now angered that he had dared come to question her heart when he knew he could not give her what she needed; what she wanted. "Unlike how you choose to live your life, I am a youkai that needs and wants love in her life. I know I cannot fault you for living your life as you so choose, that is your right. But still, I cannot help but wonder why is it that you cannot love?" She demanded, clearly angered now, as if he had specifically chosen not to love her. As if he had chosen to taunt and hurt her in such a manner.

Gently taking hold of her arm, Sesshomaru turned her toward him, as he looked down into those ocean blue eyes that warmed his heart, then kissed away the traces of her tears that still lingered near the corners of her eye. "Akatsuki, it was not my intent to hurt you so," he said, holding securely onto her arm. "I am certain I know what you must have heard about me over the years. I am also certain I know what you must have read in my brother's heart as well as my own. But I am not that youkai anymore," Sesshomaru's voice was deep as his gaze burned into her eyes, while he studied her intently.

"I have not been him for quite some time. Never had I known how to love, but my heart has changed. It began to change before I became aware of it. After I met you and brought you into the castle, I have to admit that I was afraid of what was happening to me and I tried to fight it; but my heart had changed more than I ever thought it could," he moved closer toward her. "And I have never been so grateful for anything. All my life, I thought love was a human emotion or something only for those who had human hearts," his gaze softened as he continued to peer into her eyes. "I thought it made one weak, and I had never wished to be weak. All my life, I sought to be the strongest youkai I could possibly be, and I obtained that, but in trying to hang on to that, I nearly lost the one person that truly gave me strength."

Akatsuki studied him in deep puzzlement. No, he could not be saying what she believed she was hearing. She had sat under that stupid tree for so long, that now, she had become delusional.

As if knowing her thoughts, Sesshomaru smiled down at her. "I am a youkai with a youkai's heart and I love you Akatsuki," he said unequivocally, as she gasped in shocked surprise. "I admit there was a time when I was just like your first generation father, but I am no longer. I can and want so very much to be the youkai who gives you that passion you so desire," Sesshomaru said, then decided to admit a thought that had plagued him these past weeks. "Though you did not know it, letting you go was the hardest thing I believe I have ever done. I had already fallen in love with you before I let you leave," he took her hand in his, intertwining their fingers together. "But I could not say so, after you made it clear that you were so determined to go."

"Sesshomaru," Akatsuki whispered, her breadth catching, her eyes wide with stunned amazement. "I thought... I thought you were being attentive only because you are the lord of the western lands and you felt a youkai's obligation."

Sesshomaru smiled; his eyes tender and loving. "I do feel obligated--obligated to convince you that I love you and to bring you back with me Akatsuki. I want you by my side, to rule, to fight, to do whatever it is you desire. I do not wish to rule without you as my mate," he said as he lowered his gaze, unable to meet her eyes.

Filled with trepidation, Sesshomaru debated about revealing his encroachment of her privacy. But he would not allow them to begin with secrets between them; that would be far worse than anything she had heard of him in the past. She had opened her heart, and he wanted her to know how much he appreciated that, even though she had not known that he had heard her words. "I must confess I heard what you said earlier, and I want you to know that I agree with what you wish," he looked up, pulling her towards his chest and wrapping his arms around her.

Unable to help herself, Akatsuki was filled with such love and warmth, that a tear slid slowly down her cheeks as she allowed herself to revel in his embrace.

"Akatsuki I am not seeking a partner only to bear me children. I want a lover. I want a fighter. I want a mate who will not simply bow to my will, but one who will tell me exactly what she thinks when she stands up for her rights. I want you to be forever by my side," he said as he trailed a claw slowly across her lips. Her eyes widened as he moved his hands, gently caressing her fingers between his, then peering deep into her eyes. "You were correct when you tried to run from me. At first, I had thought only to repay a debt, but Akatsuki you taught me that the important thing in life is to love without denying it or either run the risk of losing the most important person in your life. Can you not see how much I have changed because of you? On that night, ever since you fell from the sky, you landed not only in my arms, but in my heart."

Akatsuki stared at him utterly breathless, nodding weakly, her knees nearly collapsing beneath her. She issued a soft breath through her slightly parted lips. "Sesshomaru, I... I...," overwhelmed with emotion, her words caught in her throat.

"I know what you wish to say," the youkai lord lowered his gaze, unable to deny the validity of her unspoken words. "I have been uncaring for so long that you do not believe me," Sesshomaru continued, his golden eyes tender and hopeful. "But it is true, Akatsuki. You have changed my heart so completely. I want nothing more than to spend my life loving and protecting you."

"Sesshomaru, my love," Akatsuki gushed with so much emotion filling her tattered heart. "I have waited so long to hear you say those words. But... but why now?"

"Because previously I have been foolish and I needed to have some sense beat into my head, but I now realize I have waited so long to say them," he smiled down at her. "Now," the youkai lord decided, as he reluctantly released his embrace. "I will say them to your father."

"My father," Akatsuki repeated as her mind was rudely thrust back into the reality of her situation. "No," she said, almost panic stricken as she lowered her head, then literally collapsed to her knees.

Stunned, Sesshomaru turned to study her in confusion. "Akatsuki, my love, what is wrong?" He wondered as he rushed toward her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, studying her with deep concern. "Do you not wish to be my mate?"

"Sesshomaru I could not possibly want anything more, but you... you cannot..." Akatsuki knew not how to tell him as tears flooded her eyes. How could she possibly tell him that now that they had both declared their love for each other that they would likely still not be mates because of those dreaded youkai rules and obligations.
:thumb193129287:
I had several images created for this chapter, including one created by me. Why? I don’t know, because I loved the thought of them finally being together. The cover image above, called Why Could You Not Love? was commissioned by me and created by shuryougospel13.

www.deviantart.com/sessy-lady/…
I Wish to Protect You Always was created by me, tried to mimic the same setting. Hope you like it!

www.deviantart.com/sessy-lady/…
Anatawoiashiteru (I love you) created by annyaonweb.

REMEMBER : All comments are welcome--good, bad, or otherwise, even if you just want to say it is far too excessive or even if you just want to :) , :( , or give a :thumbsup: or :thumbsdown:. So let me know what you think!

Okay my lovelies,
Okay, at first, I had not intended to put in anything about having Sessy talk to Akatsuki’s father, but decided to use it as another honorable youkai custom because I felt this could be a great prelude to some future problems for them.

I just wanted to add that this chapter was running really long and I had to split it into two. I felt since they had both taken so long to admit they loved each other and had been apart for over three weeks, that there was a lot to cover. But I'm actually trying to think how to end this sequence of events. And needed to postpone things a bit!
Uggghhh!

But hopefully we’ll find out what’s stopping Akatsuki next week. But I’m sure you can guess. She has basically already hinted at it.

Hope you enjoyed!

Next up: Sesshomaru/Akatsuki Youkai Obligations.
:iconsmile--plz:
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Akatsuki -- (Aurora/Dawn)
chichi-ue -- (father)
hidenka -- (princess)
Ōji -- (prince)

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Chapter 1--A New Beginning
Chapter 2--Poisoned
Chapter 3--Can He Be Saved?
Chapter 4--Getting to Know You
Chapter 5--Are We Having Fun Yet?
Chapter 6--Can We Try Again?
Chapter 7--What Happened Now?
Chapter 8--I, Sesshomaru, Protect No-One
Chapter 9--The Truth
Chapter 10--The Whole Truth
Chapter 11--And Nothing But the Truth
Chapter 12--Kaede-Babaa
Chapter 13--Princess Edera's Castle
Chapter 14--The Life Sorceress
Chapter 15--Inside the Castle
Chapter 16--An Awakening
Chapter 17--The Truth Revealed
Chapter 18--The Castle Barrier Breached
Chapter 19--The Great Escape
Chapter 20--Inuyasha’s Final Battle?
Chapter 21--Sesshomaru's Failure
Chapter 22--An Undesired Obligation
Chapter 23--Indebted to Her
Chapter 24--Awakened
Chapter 25--Relapse//Setback
Chapter 26--Edera’s Objective
Chapter 27--Something Stirs
Chapter 28--Surprise Attack
Chapter 29--Unspoken Thoughts/Feelings
Chapter 30--Confrontation
Chapter 31--Fallen
Chapter 32--Sesshomaru’s Heart!
Chapter 33--Brother to Brother
Chapter 34--Getting Reacquainted!
Chapter 35--An Unexpected Visitor
Chapter 36--The Suzaku Clan Curse
Previous: Chapter 37--What is Love, Really?
Next: Chapter 39 Prt1--Finally, Someone He Truly Wants to Protect
Comments25
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Sesshomarusama3's avatar
OMG! HE SAID ITT! at last! but whats happening now? MORE demon rules and obligations??? danm it all ta hell!

i hope it turns out alright! :iconimveryhappyplz: