Sesshomaru-Inuyasha BIA: Chapter 29

Sesshomaru & Inuyasha: Brothers in Arms
Sesshomaru & Inuyasha: Kyōdai de Busō

章29 - 口無し 思し召し
Shō  29 - Kuchinashi  Oboshimeshi
Chapter 29 - Unspoken Thoughts/Feelings

After a warm bath in the onsen, Hidenka Akatsuki dressed in the only formal kimono brought to her by her handmaidens, and joined the group in the living area, later that evening.

Sesshomaru's eyes widened slightly to see her so attractively and royally, attired. Despite his reluctance, the youkai lord's heart pulsed slightly as he observed her.

Akatsuki was adorned in a multiple piece blue silk Oh- Furisode with long sleeves and a beautifully designed panel wrapped with a large gold and sky blue maru-obi, accented by a twisted vibrant blue silk cord gracing her waist. Her hair was softly draped across her shoulders in its familiar style.

But like every time Sesshomaru had seen her of late, there seemed nothing else truly familiar about her. There was so much intriguing diversity in this single youkai female; from the warrior he saw in the white hebikinu outfit when he had first encountered her; to the youkai who seemed so helpless when he'd caught her in his arms; to the youkai who lay dying only a few days ago; to the soft female who hummed and swam earlier that morning; to the vision of loveliness that stood before him now.

No, she was not a warrior as he would have preferred, but there was obviously more to her than he had originally thought. He could not help but think that every time he saw her, she was an entirely different youkai. Is that what was causing so much confusion in his head, he wondered. Despite his innate reluctance, he had a distinct feeling that her mere presence caused him to want to know more about her, but he had to admit this confused puzzlement... scared him. He had never feared anything, but he believed he did fear her. He feared what she was causing him to feel.

Greeting Sesshomaru upon her entry, Akatsuki smiled softly and waved him off temporarily when the youkai lord rose from his chair and offered it to her. She told him she wanted to introduce herself first.

Feeling more discomfort than he could recall ever previously feeling, Sesshomaru strode toward one of the walls and lifted another of the large chairs that was resting against it and brought it toward the group; practically placing it in line with the other that was already there.

"Hello everyone, please forgive me; I am so sorry I have been such a recluse," Hidenka Akatsuki said as she turned and headed toward the group.

"Oh Lord Sesshomaru," Rin squealed with delight, catching site of the new arrival. "She's so beautiful, she looks like a princess."

"You are so sweet," Hidenka Akatsuki smiled warmly. "I am a princess. I am Hidenka Akatsuki, I am so sorry we did not have the opportunity to meet properly. You are?"

"I'm Rin," the little girl responded with a smile.

"Hajimemashite, Rin. Dozo yoroshiku," Hidenka Akatsuki said as she bowed slightly at the waist.

After a gentle elbow nub in the side from Inuyasha as he rose to move toward the hidenka himself, Rin looked questioningly at Sesshomaru then rushed forward to extend her greetings. They were both followed closely by Jaken.

"Hajimemashite, Hidenka Akatsuki. Dozo yoroshiku," Rin mimicked in return as she bowed lightly at the waist as well.

"You are such a beautiful young girl," the hidenka exclaimed with a gentle smile as she placed her hand lightly on the side of Rin's face.

"Thank you very much," Rin said with a brilliant smile before turning and scurrying back to her seat.

"Master Inuyasha," the hidenka turned to the hanyou. "Forgive me for not thanking you earlier for your assistance, but I am so pleased to see you are well. I am pleased to see everyone is well," Akatsuki turned and addressed the group.

"Just Inuyasha, hidenka," the young hanyou corrected her. "And I didn't really do anything. You pretty much had it taken care of before I got there; I just finished him off," he responded rather uncomfortably. "Anyway, you are the one who's been sick, and I'm sorry about that," he responded, still embarrassed for his role in her illness. Still not understanding why she'd done it, or what he could do to repay her, despite what Sesshomaru had told him. "But thank you for saving me and I'm glad you're doing better. If there's anything I can do..."

"I simply returned what was rightfully yours," Hidenka Akatsuki said dismissively.

Not understanding, Inuyasha simply scrunched his face as he studied her with a wearied gaze but received no further explanation.

"And you are," Hidenka Akatsuki turned toward the little grayish green imp.

"I am Jaken, Lord Sesshomaru's most loyal servant," Jaken announced proudly.

"I am very pleased to meet you Jaken," Akatsuki said with a vibrant smile. "I am certain you are a great asset to Lord Sesshomaru," she said, before retreating to the chair Sesshomaru offered to take a seat.

Flustered by what he felt was an extremely flattering compliment; Jaken simply bowed and vaguely issued a "thank you hidenka."

"How are you feeling?" Sesshomaru asked, offering her his arm for support, his eyes still glinting with obvious concern, but his chest pounding with something more.

"Much better, thank you," Akatsuki said then turned toward the group. "I hope no one minds if I join you tonight?"

The question was followed by a bevy of voices that sang it's 'no's', 'please join us's' and 'it's good to have you's'.

After holding the chair for her, Sesshomaru took a seat in the other large chair that he had placed beside the one Akatsuki sat in crossing his leg and angling it toward her, as if silently sending a message; but personally wondering if he was sending one to himself.

Throughout the night, Inuyasha studied his brother with interest.

I am indebted to her.

After noting their familiarity in address and proximity, the youkai lord's actions seemed less like someone who simply felt he had a debt to repay, than someone who was actually beginning to care for the hidenka, no matter what he said. It reminded him a lot of himself when he'd met Kikyo. He had not wanted to leave her side; always following her on her missions, hovering in trees to be near her, then, eventually traveling with her. But for Sesshomaru, that almost seemed impossible. He had never thought his brother capable of true emotions.

Love is a human desire. It is not required for youkai.

Inuyasha wondered about the truth of those statements. To him the two exuded the ultimate in royalty and appeared to be well suited to each other, both in looks, language and mannerisms, debt or not.

The group stayed together and talked for nearly seven hours. Rin excitedly began the conversation with her lord's plan to build his own castle. This branched out into a variety of subject lines, beginning with each describing what they would like to see in and around the new castle.

With innocence as her excuse, Rin excitedly asked the hidenka what she would like to see in the castle. Without missing a beat Hidenka Akatsuki seemed entirely unflustered by the question and promptly responded that she was certain anything the little girl's master put in place would surely turn out beautifully and would certainly satisfy anyone's desires. This answer delighted Rin who smiled with pride at her lord. However, it did not escape Inuyasha's notice that she had not put in a request for anything. Nor did it escape Sesshomaru's.

The conversation veered off in an entirely different direction when Rin proudly began to discuss how Lord Sesshomaru had saved her from drowning; detailing the entire comedy of errors that had occurred when a lady friend of Lord Sesshomaru's was drowning, and she had jumped into the water to try to save her, but then she had almost drowned and Jaken had jumped in to save her, but then he had also almost drowned and Lord Sesshomaru had swept down from the sky and saved them all, and he'd only had one arm at the time.

Clearly still annoyed by the turn of events, Jaken quickly denied that their lord had any intention of saving that foolish youkai, stating that she had only been saved as an indirect consequence of their lord saving them; adding that if Rin had not been so foolish, herself, there would have been no reason for their lord to trouble himself. With those words, Jaken promptly received nothing less than a deadly cold, narrowed eyed stare from Sesshomaru, who had tensed at that memory, but wondered why he did. True, when that had occurred, he had not cared about Kagura's life, but so much had changed since then. He had later acknowledged that he truly had cared about her. Had he tensed because he once more did not truly wish to care for anyone, Akatsuki especially?

Having not noticed the exchange of glances, Hidenka Akatsuki calmly stated how such an act simply demonstrated how truly powerful and gracious their lord was.

Delighted to hear such glowing remarks about him, Rin promptly attempted to recount every event in which Lord Sesshomaru saved either her or Jaken. Having no shame about scrounging for compliments for her lord's sake, considering he did not get nearly as much as she believed he truly deserved, Rin recounted the episode in which her lord had restored her life after she'd been killed by a pack of wolves, concluding with the fact that he had taken care of her ever since.

Though saddened to hear of such a distressing event, such information set the hidenka's own personal beliefs into question. She could not help but think that perhaps everything she had previously heard about Sesshomaru had been wrong. To have Rin under his protective care was one thing, but to be so compassionate as to restore her life, had been something entirely different. She had not expected that of him. Perhaps he was not as non-caring as her sensors had initially led her to believe. Perhaps that concern she had sensed when she hovered near death, had truly come from him, after all.

As the evening went along, Rin eventually concluded her tails of her lord's valiance with her hopes that Inuyasha would soon train her to become a youkai slayer.

Despite her amazement at this revelation, Hidenka Akatsuki said nothing revealing. The young girl was her lord's charge and surely, he would not allow her to injure herself.

Inuyasha brought up the subject of Naraku explaining what it required to bring him down. The battle, apparently, was still constantly on his mind, probably more because he'd not had any significantly challenging battles since, except for Princess Edera, but the mere discussion of Naraku seemed to energize him.

Though he, himself, had no specific subjects to discuss, Jaken had no problem adding his own specific echoes to the conversations initiated by the others.

Sesshomaru spent most of his time listening and watching; Akatsuki primarily. He was pleased with the ease and comfort in which she seemed to fit in with his rag tag group. It also pleased him, that they all appeared so eager and willing to share aspects of their lives with her. He was confident that when he likely announced that they might eventually be required to become mates that they would be readily accepting of the situation. Although he truly cared not what they thought, he was the lord of the western and now the southern lands. He would fulfill his obligation and he knew they would accept and respect her, regardless.

Almost too quickly, the evening waned away and the group slowly began to disperse. Having resigned himself to looking after Rin like a little sister, Inuyasha finally rose to put her to bed as was becoming his custom. Jaken, who had grown into the routine of tending Ah-Un, at least until his lord was able to increase his staff, departed to the stables to feed the dragon, leaving Sesshomaru and Akatsuki alone in the living area.

After tucking Rin into bed, Inuyasha was on his way back when he overhead the conversation between his brother and the hidenka. Despite feeling a slight tug of guilt at his actions, he pressed his back against the wall and listened.

Hidenka Akatsuki stood in the center of the cavernous room. It now seemed larger and more vacant than it had earlier when the room bustled with voices and lively chatter. Now, it was only her and Sesshomaru and she dreaded what she had to say. She was a sensitive youkai sorceress, but despite being unable to truly sense his heart now, after the evening of conversation and Sesshomaru's constant attention, it did not take much to sense that things were at work that she was not prepared to handle.  All that talk about his new castle, was Sesshomaru truly going to hold to those youkai rules of obligation? Was he actually planning out her life for her? She knew the youkai in the room with her, was a powerful lord with an immense amount of pride and he would not be comfortable feeling indebted to anyone.

"Sesshomaru," Akatsuki began with a bit of trepidation on the edge of her voice. She had no idea what her strength would be like, but she knew she had to leave before she found herself immersed in a situation with no possible escape. She had already found herself struggling with her personal thoughts these past few days. There had been so many thoughts she'd had about him, from her own forbidden desires to what she was certain were his undesired ones. Sesshomaru did not know her. He did not know her clan. He knew the Suzaku clan members had secluded themselves, but he had never bothered to find out why. He in fact, had held no interest in them. She knew only that he hated her, he hated her magic and he hated her clan because they were not warriors like him. But his actions were leading her to believe that he would fulfill an undesired obligation simply to satisfy his pride. She, though, could not accept that.

"I will be leaving tomorrow," she said slowly. "But I must thank you for your hospitality, and everything you have done to assist in my recovery," she said, following her announcement with as gracious a smile as she could muster. Though she was certain it was not his intent, it had been his attentive care of her, that had spun her own thoughts in the direction they were currently headed. But she could not and would not allow herself to consider that potential.

"Tomorrow?" Sesshomaru repeated as his eyes narrowed, his mouth tightening into a tense frown. "You are not yet well," he said to counter her words. Words he had not expected to hear. "You were an invalid in bed just yesterday; not to mention your collapse earlier."

Akatsuki issued a warm smile as she tried to enliven the expression in her eyes. The last thing she wanted was for Sesshomaru to believe she had to remain under his care. When she had sent her handmaidens away, she had not thought she would suffer any danger being alone. She had not thought he would care for her at all. She had simply thought he would leave her to mend on her own. But, he had in fact, been kind, gentle and so very attentive. She had truly not expected such care from him. "But that was because of dark magic," Akatsuki protested. "And I do not wish to impose on you further."

"Precisely," Sesshomaru retorted. "Have you forgotten what that magic has done to you?" He demanded, literally jumping at her words. But despite the anger that was rising in him, his tone remained steady and controlled. "You cannot be certain you have yet recovered," he stated flatly. "And I will hear no more of impositions," he said looking down at her with a determined golden gaze, his arms folded sternly across his chest. "Ensuring your safety is no imposition. It would only be so, if I did not," his tone had stiffened slightly as he realized he had not at all prepared himself for any possibility of Akatsuki's departure. "Besides, you cannot yet fly, can you?" he asked, fairly confident of her response.

Because his careless acts had resulted in her injury, he was now obligated to protect her, but the level of his commitment and his repayment was subject to her will; she was the one who had been injured after all. But Sesshomaru realized his reluctance to let her leave went beyond the possible level of any repayment. After spending so much time with her over these past weeks, something inside him truly did not wish for her to depart. He was no longer totally against his obligation. Akatsuki was quite powerful in her own rights, but he could no longer deny that there was something else about her. But he knew not what that truly was. "Without flight, how do you propose to get back? Walk?"

Akatsuki ignored the growing tension in his voice. She had not expected such resistance. She had thought he would be glad to be rid of her. "I will summon Adona, my winged horse," Akatsuki began to explain. "I have an amulet that I can use for that purpose," she lifted her hand to touch the amulet on her left ear.

"And if you became dizzy and fell off him, then what?" the youkai lord said as he turned away. He would not allow her to injure herself yet again. He was certain her desire to leave was a result of what she had likely sensed in him before. But could she sense him now? Did this confusion that pummeled his brain frighten her as much as it did him? "If you cannot fly on your own accord, as you did when you came," Sesshomaru said across his shoulder. "You should not be on your own," he turned back to face her with an authoritative glint in his eyes. "I am the lord of these lands. It would be beneath me to allow such a thing, and I will not," Sesshomaru added decisively, once more finding himself locked in a state of utter confusion. He was well aware that he could, of course, take her to the Suzaku compound himself, but his hesitancy to let her go was only partially because of the state of her health. The weakness in her blood still spoke of her inability to endure such a trip. But this youkai confused him; there was a deep-seeded desire to further explore the emotions growing within him. Akatsuki seemed to ignite his very soul and he had to know why.

He had evaluated many possibilities over the past days, even the past few hours, even stooping so low as to consider whether these unexplained feelings enveloping him, meant simply that he was lusting after her. Is that what this was? Was his unexplained desire to keep her by his side nothing more than a biological need? Was it because he had seen her in various states of undress, or was there more to this?

Yes, he'd had and had filled his biological needs before. He had even lusted before, when he was a much younger youkai, but he had never felt anything like this. To have considered that need as even a possibility should never have entered into the equation. But he knew not what this was. He had to find some way to explain this confusion that continued to possess him.

He remembered when he had lusted after his haha-ue's friend, a much older youkai, but that had not mattered. He wanted her, and he had obviously not concealed it, because she had permitted it. His chichi-ue had since told him that was not appropriate behavior for the future lord of the lands. He had told him a future lord did not simply lust after any female; he should choose his partner wisely and should not go romping around in stables. But that was not what he wanted now. Now, he could almost say... he was... literally frightened by what he truly did want. He did not believe he had ever felt such powerful emotions. He had never had anything stir inside him the way this did. He had undergone many changes lately, but despite having no idea why he would wish to, Sesshomaru believed he did wish to know more about Akatsuki, about what her mere presence was doing to him.

"Akatsuki, you are my responsibility and you need not protest, I will keep you safe," he added his assurances. She may well believe that was not his desire, but surprisingly, even to him, he did wish to keep her safe.

He was the lord of the western and southern lands and he did not believe he simply lusted for her, despite his uncertainty of what he truly did feel. He wanted to do things with her, not just to her; he believed he wanted to be with her; he believed he wanted her to be with him; he even believed he wanted to willingly care for her, not just simply fulfill an obligation. He wanted very much to end her tears, those tears that tore at his own heart. He felt an undeniable concern for her well-being; he did not want anything to happen to her, but he knew he could not guarantee her safety if she were out of his sight.

Akatsuki was totally unprepared for his response when he interrupted her; although she knew it was only a result of his concern for her health. "Believe me, Sesshomaru, I will be fine," she knew her facial expression may have displayed a slight sign of discomfort although she still tried to smile, even if weakly.

"Perhaps, but I am not willing to take that chance," Sesshomaru's gaze roved determinedly across her face. "It would not be honorable for me to allow you to leave when you are not well."

Akatsuki's own internal anger began to boil; though her expression was not as stoic as his could be, it also revealed no trace of her inner thoughts. "I am not your responsibility, Sesshomaru," she responded firmly, her gaze stubbornly fixed on his face.

"Until you are well, you are; especially since you are weaker than you care to admit," Sesshomaru's mouth tightened yet again.

Akatsuki lowered her gaze to the floor, pulling her arms around herself as if attempting to shield herself from the piercingly cold tone detected in his voice.  Although unsure of the impending results, she decided she had to be more explicit. "You are not indebted to me, Sesshomaru. There is no need to concern yourself further. I do not require such concern."

"Akatsuki, I am the lord of these lands. If the lord of the lands does not follow youkai customs, why should any other youkai? I am not one to push aside that which is my responsibility to bear," surely she thought that he as the lord of the western and southern territories would deem himself above fulfilling his youkai obligations.

There were many things about her he did not understand her, but even worst, he believed he no longer understood himself. What was it about this youkai, he wondered, that made him want so much to protect her, despite her protests. Was this the love he was certain he would never feel? He did not know, but he had to find out. "If you would be more comfortable with your handmaidens here, I will retrieve them." He studied her, hoping that concession would at least relieve her concerns about returning to her castle just yet.

Akatsuki raised her gaze to look into his eyes. So, even the lord of the western and now southern territories did not feel himself above repaying a debt; a debt that required him to fulfill an obligation he had no desire to fulfill. A debt that required him to become the protector of a youkai he cared not for.

But she could not allow it. She already felt an attachment to Sesshomaru that she had felt for no other youkai in all her years. She still did not know if that concern she had sensed when she slept was from him, or not, but did that truly matter? His attention to her since she had awakened seemed so incredibly heartfelt. He did not have to, and she knew he did not wish to, but her care at his hands had already thrust her heart into such turmoil. Using the magic she knew he hated so much she could shut down her sensors, but she could not shut down her heart. Just having him at her bedside every night had spun her head in untold directions. But she knew she could not allow her heart to take that ultimate step, not for him; not for a youkai whom she knew hated her. But she could not guarantee that spending another day under Sesshomaru's care would not cause her to lose her heart completely. His feelings toward her had been made clear when they first met, she had felt it fully when she slept.

Never before had she assisted a youkai outside the Suzaku clan. She could not. She had known all too well, those youkai rules of obligation. As a life sorceress, it was her obligation to be of assistance; but it had always been understood among Suzaku clan members, that life sorceresses were not required to hold to those rules because they assisted every youkai if necessary. She had never considered that assisting her lord would lead to such an event. She had never considered that Sesshomaru, the lord of the lands, would be one to hold to such obligations. But she had also never considered that he would hold his honor above all else.

He had cared for her, but he did not care about her. He did not understand that she, a Suzaku life sorceress, could not accept his obligation. She was likely the one youkai that could not. Other than Rin's story that Sesshomaru had restored her life with his Tenseiga, she did not know why he had her under his care. With all the trouble she was certain they had undergone, she did not know why he now had his brother under his care. Perhaps they had grown closer over the weeks, she did not know. But she did not believe there was as much tension between them as there had been. Perhaps Sesshomaru did care for them all in his own way. But she was not his brother, nor was she one of his young charges. She was a Suzaku life sorceress. Clearly, he did not know what that truly meant.

You are youkai, why do you cry?

She knew not what he had told them about her, but knowing who he was, she was certain he would never truly care about her; because he had likely never truly cared about any other female which was why he seemed unaware that his attentive care to her was wreaking such havoc. As a youkai herself, she was fully aware that youkai did not generally love; and warriors, least of all. Sesshomaru was a warrior; and she was a life sorceress. If he could not love, he could never love her--a life sorceress. She could not be a youkai that stayed with him because he pitied her or because he believed he had a debt to repay.

To accept his proposed repayment would mean her possible death; and she would die--a slow and painful one if she did. Was it his fault that he did not know this? Surely not. Yes, it was true he had shown no previous interest in her clan, but their history was also something no Suzaku clan member would openly discuss. She would simply have to ensure that he understood that he was not indebted to her. "Sesshomaru, you need not bear any further responsibility as regards me," Akatsuki said hoping he realized she was releasing him from his supposed debt. "You have done more than enough to care for me. If you had not caught me, I..."

"Akatsuki, as the lord of this castle, you and everyone in it, is under my protection," he said with a focused and penetrating gaze, his mouth tight and unflinching, allowing no room for any confusion. "I will not allow you to leave in your current condition." He had never imagined it would prove so difficult to convince her that fulfilling his obligation was no longer an unpalatable proposition for him. But he knew it was probably because of what she believed she knew of him; he was determined to prove otherwise. He needed her here to accomplish that.

"Sesshomaru, I am saying that you do not..."

"I will not discuss this further," Sesshomaru said with finality, cutting off her words.

Akatsuki stared wide-eyed as she studied the tall youkai standing only inches away from her. She could see his concern for her well-being still clearly etched in his gaze. But she wondered how she could explain to him that she had no interest in forming a match based merely on obligation because of her principles and who she was, when she knew he would not relish putting aside his obligation because of his principles and who he was. It was a custom that he intended to fulfill, no matter how much it displeased him. Realizing there was probably little she could say to sway the youkai lord for now, Akatsuki simply bade him goodnight and returned to her room.